Intimidating

So much for my assertion that I learned to have "rock skin like The Thing" from last week's blog post. I could have chosen to talk about school set-up (thank you Pat McNaughton for coming in and helping me with weeding - you are the BEST!). I could have chosen to talk about my son's birthday (happy 17th, Mr. Peter - I LOVE you!). Instead, I chose to talk about one minor moment in an absolutely WONDERFUL professional learning opportunity with the TDSB Library Department.

Thanks Peter for allowing me to post this goofy green screen shot!

The TDSB new Teacher-Librarian workshop was held on Tuesday, August 27. It was a responsive, helpful, useful format. Our valiant leader, Andrea Sykes, gave a bit of an overview of the job responsibilities, alleviated some anxiety about circulation, gave some good advice, and then let everyone loose. Nearly a dozen experienced teacher-librarians were in the room; they volunteered to be there to act as a "human library". New teacher-librarians could approach any of the experienced teacher-librarians and talk to them about anything. To help facilitate the conversations, Andrea had wisely made papers with the names, schools, and a few topics of discussion for each veteran teacher-librarian.

Slide visual created by Andrea Sykes - used with permission

Before we spread out for small-group conversations, the experienced teacher-librarians were asked to introduce themselves to the whole group. We did this twice. In the morning, I went first. In the afternoon, there was a request that I not go first "because it's intimidating to go after Diana". It was a friend of mine that said this, and I jokingly scolded her for the comment, but it really stuck in my head. I asked my friends Andrea Sykes, and later that week, my husband, Denise Colby and Joel Krentz ...

Am I intimidating?

Their answers were mostly the same - you don't mean to be, but you can be. Your reputation precedes you.

But I don't want to be intimidating! What can I do to be less intimidating?

What do teacher-librarians do when faced with an inquiry question? They start researching. My people-based research didn't have a lot of answers to this question, so I turned to some online investigation. The definition made me feel marginally better ...

... but not by much. I definitely don't want to be frightening or threatening, but neither do I want to "over-awe" people. I dug a little deeper and found a Life Hacker article that promised to teach me "How to Be Less Intimidating". These were the points the article made.

• don't hide who you really are
• be less verbally aggressive
• go less hard on competition generally
• you're too confusing
• you're really good looking

Sadly, this still didn't help a lot. I still wanted to give this advice a try. I reflected on this points on my own first, and then I consulted someone who can be brutally honest - my husband. He won't pull any punches if I ask his opinion of me; after all, he was the one who told me "just because you buy organizational products does not make you an organized person". (That stung but was totally the truth! Cleaning my office this past week was proof!)

Today I cleaned my school library office. I found a boiled egg and a unused (and $$) gift certificate with no expiry date! I'm sure there's a lesson in that somewhere.

— Diana Maliszewski (@MzMollyTL) August 29, 2019

My Reflections: I don't think I hide who I am. I asked the people at my ETFO Summer Academy session when I was doing a presentation on social media if the tone of my tweets and blog posts matched who I was in real life. The group, including colleagues I've known for a long time, stated that the virtual me and the in-person me align quite well. I realize that all media are construction and media construct reality (the first two key concepts of media literacy) but I try to be as authentic as I can. I write about failing and negative emotions (like this post demonstrates or this more recent one) so it's not all sunshine and daffodils. I try not to say too much in large groups and work hard on ensuring others are heard. I realize that being a teacher can be intimidating to students because of the power the position entails and the no-nonsense aura teachers can radiate, but in many of the situations I've come across where I've been told I was intimidating, it was by fellow educators. The last point just made me laugh, although the advice at the end came the closest to remedying my situation. (The "he" in the quote refers to psychiatrist Grant Brenner, who was consulted as part of the article.)

He doesn’t really have any recommendations for this particular affliction, but being warm and kind can help bridge the gap. And it’s probably best to consider all the other potential reasons people are intimidated by you first.

I think being warm and kind are critical, especially as an educator. There's a reason why my Twitter biography and the signature file on my work email uses the quote "it's nice to be important, but more important to be nice". I make a conscientious effort to be approachable, which is why I don't list my accolades, awards, or achievements in obvious places. (You'd actually have to dig into my little-used wiki to find it all.). So ... what would my husband have to say about this article and the 5 tips?

My Husband's Reflections (his actual words, no paraphrasing): "none of those apply, really".

This image is relabeled for non-commercial reuse.
It comes from buitenzorger on Flickr.
It's titled "Intimidating Bear"

So I continued to research. I found this Psychology Today article (by the same psychiatrist mentioned in the other article). Here he listed his ideas about "4 Reasons People Think You're Intimidating When You're Not"

• a consequence of unconscious bias
• the aftermath of using simplistic defenses
• the result of a history of being repeatedly intimidated
• as a result of unconscious motivations

I don't know what to think of this list, because it suggests that there's something wrong with those who have felt this about me now or in the past. My concern is that being considered intimidating will actually impede or prevent some great potential friendships from blossoming.

My son said one of his friends was intimidated by me. He reassured his friend that his mom was one of the least threatening people he knew. (The animal hoodies I wear help reduce the menacing, unapproachable persona, I hope. No shoulder pads or power suits for me.) When this friend visited our house recently, I made sure not to lurk or be too physically present, to reduce the amount of jokes or sarcasm I used so I would not be misunderstood, and made a point of speaking in a friendly and agreeable way.

Then I found this article and a different perspective on the topic. The author, Rania Naim, really put together all the emotions I have about being intimidating. I have to include the second-last paragraph to her post, "The Truth About Being 'Intimidating' (And Why You Should Embrace It)".

So if people constantly tell you ‘you’re intimidating’ — don’t take it as a bad sign, don’t try to change, because it’s so much better to be around people who find your intimidating qualities appealing and impressive than people who ask you to change because they don’t know how to deal with you or they’re trying to find ways to bring you down

Thank you Rania. Maybe I need to do more research on why people's opinions of me matter so much rather than why I might be intimidating and what to do about it.

ETA: Sunday's gospel reading from Mass may help me understand why being told I'm intimidating rubs me the wrong way: (Luke 14:1, 7-14) "For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted". I would rather humble myself and highlight the wonderful people my path has crossed instead of focusing on me or any part I might have played.